manage the stressors and triggers of parenting

Manage the stressors and triggers of parenting.

As parents, we all have an idea of the kind of parent we want to be, however, the reality is often very different from that vision.

We may feel overwhelmed, short-tempered, or too exhausted to keep up with the demands of parenting. We are often parenting without the support needed to be the best parents we can be. So, what can we do?

The best way to manage our desire to show up as the best version of ourselves while dealing with the challenges of parenthood is to gain a better understanding of ourselves and how we handle the stressors that come with parenting. We can then learn to manage them more effectively.

What is the "Window of Tolerance"?

The concept of “the window of tolerance” by Dr. Dan Siegel, MD, describes an optimal state in the brain and body where we can understand and manage our emotions. In my book, The Nurture Revolution, I call it a safety state. Some of us are well-regulated and have a wide window of tolerance where we can handle a lot of stressors before we’re pushed out of our window. Some of us are reactive and have a narrow window of tolerance where one stressor can push us out of our window. Some of us are in between. Our experience in infancy plays a significant role in shaping our stress system and our window of tolerance.

The Impact of Trauma and Low Nurture

If we have experienced trauma, low nurture in infancy and often in the overwhelming season of infancy where we are repeatedly stressed, it can be difficult to regulate emotions, and the window of tolerance can become very narrow.

When we are pushed out of our window of tolerance, we can go into states of hyperarousal or hypoarousal where nurturing our babies and ourselves feels hard or impossible. Several strategies can help us get out of states of hyperarousal or hypoarousal and back to nurturing our baby and ourselves.

Navigating Hyperarousal

Hyperarousal, also known as the fight, flight, or freeze response, is when your nervous system detects a threat and launches a stress response to activate your brain and body to respond.

You might feel anger, overwhelm (fight), fear, anxiety, panic (flight), or tight muscles, and immobility (freeze).

To shift out of a state of hyperarousal, I like to teach parents diaphragmatic breathing. Close your eyes, focus inward, and pay attention to your breath. Inhale, expanding your belly like a balloon, then exhale, drawing your belly toward your ribs. Repeat for at least 2 minutes.

NavIGATING Hypoarousal

Hypoarousal is known as the shutdown or collapse response. It is also when your nervous system detects a threat and launches a stress response to activate your brain and body to respond. You may feel depression, numb, limp, unable to speak, not present in your body.

To shift out of a state of hypoarousal I like to teach parents techniques like: turning on music, moving gently, singing or humming, putting cold water on your face.

How to Widen Your Window of Tolerance

There are strategies to expand your window of tolerance and increase your emotional resilience. Start by building awareness of your emotions. When you feel intense emotions, please pay attention to them without judgment. Emotions typically last about 90 seconds when observed without attaching thoughts or judgments. Feel where the emotion resides in your body, remind yourself you're safe, and the emotion will pass.

By using these strategies to navigate hyperarousal and hypoarousal and increasing your emotional awareness, you'll widen your window of tolerance. This makes caring for your baby, yourself, and your world a more accessible and nurturing experience.